7:00 am
My body starts to slowly move and my eyes are ready to welcome the sunlight, half-open then I close them back with satisfaction and make a half-smile “Resting DAY!” I set today as a no-mailing day. Then the image of my bike hits my head and my eyes just-auto wide open, I sit myself up and let my head forms the image of me on the bike to places as far as I could go in the city…
I rushed to the shower because I know the longer I stay in the bed something called sabotage will start to voice over and I am gonna end up staying lock in my room till I go back to sleep. It doesn’t mean everything will go smoothly though after the shower, I am still in my transformative phase and my level of hesitation and indecision are pretty high and every piece of me will go into the debate club and argue about whether I should step out of my room.
From there till I put on a black hoodie my mind already running miles to complain about how hard it is to clean the bike after long since the covid started, whether it is safe to ride on the road, too hot outside, too tired coming back, sore butt, whatever holy excuses it can pile up. It is really hard to stand strong in such stormy excuses.
Whatever you said, I’m gonna make this happen. This is a chance to build trust and strengthen relationship with myself. If I keep breaking promises and being a bad girlfriend, she stays, but she gonna stop talking to me. You know the silent treatment, and then when we are together, I mean when I am alone with myself, it will get real awkward. She won’t talk to me or initiate play, she will ditch me. Before that, for example, after she said she wants to rest in the evening, reading something, and eat a good dinner, I most of the time ruin it by staring at my laptop instead, and go to bed empty stomach, always making excuses. I told her I need to earn more or I need to gain more experience or I am just … lazy, next time maybe and blah blah.
I think that is where it started, lots of self-doubt, self-sabotage, and somehow feel so lonely, and it gets harder and harder to be alone because I never really make a true commitment, most are just empty promises.
So, after the bike ride, she wants orange juice, YES! then DIY bathtub, YES! Cigarette, er… only one! read book while listening to music in the DIY bathtub, YES! let’s finish the painting, YES! let’s watch Weathering with You, YES! some comedies on youtube? YES! then it is 11:00 pm…I have such an amazing date with myself. So much joy, a good sweat day!
